Another dream, another broken me.

Being on leave all week has let my mind wander of course.  I guess too, it being Halloween next weekend, thinking what costume Zachery would have wanted at almost 7 yrs old.  I still find it hard to hand out candy but have managed to do it the last 3 years, the first two, I was in bed.  I awoke this morning in such a rush, thinking Zachery was alive, again.  Being a grieving mother, it happens, bad dreams more so than the nice ones. But last night I dreampt about him and his Daddy.  Yes, his Daddy will be mentioned in this blog, because he is part of Zachery, whether I like him or not.  I think the dream was very short, because all I remember was Zachery running very fast towards his Daddy, and his Daddy being so surprised and happy to see him. He was about 6 or 7 years old this time. It is not often like I said to have nice dreams about Zachery, they are mostly nightmares of his death, over and over again.  I hate it.  It terrifies me.  For the first couple of years, I had no dreams at all about Zachery, I thought what is wrong with me?  I dream, and dream a lot.  And remember all of them. I can have 4 or 5 dreams in a night and wake up and remember them all.  But this one, was very vivid.  I have also noticed that the more I dream about Zachery, the older he is in the dream.  He still had his reddish hair, and it was getting kind of long on him, but he was running fast and giggling.  Maybe that is what he is doing up there in Heaven.

Facing the Music

Sooooo, I finally have contemplated that I am strong enough to finally blog about the last 8 or so years of my life on a chain. I have never blogged, and I will also say that some of the things you will read in this blog you may not like, or, you just won't get it, unless you have walked in my shoes. I do like to think out loud and by starting this blog, I might be able to compartmentalize the goings on in my life a bit better instead of them being constantly scattered. I won't tell you all about me right away, what fun would that be? I will say that I am the baby of the family and love it. I will also say that I have been in the military for the last 24 years, luckily, I have never been deployed. I never wanted to for fear of being away from my children, I have one living and one that is watching over me from above. Brandon and Zachery, the apples of my eye, my life my world.

Sometimes I wonder why I am in the military. I wish I could be the voice of children that have nothing or that are unloved. I would love to be able to open my door up to any or all of them, wrapping them up in my embrace. There is no love like a mother's love.

I will make my first post short and sweet, one, I want to see what it looks like and two, I need to rack out, long day tomorrow with Kim. Night all.