I'm Moving.....again.

I haven't written lately because I have been super busy with work and life. So, I have been dreading this day.  Dreading the day that the Army moved me away from this house in Caledonia, the house that I have been so emotionally attached to because this is where Zachery's home was.  I got the call at work on Tuesday from Kim and she said the offer is no longer conditional they have sold so everything is firm and final. Your house is sold.  I didn't know whether to smile or cry.  I think I did a bit of both. But once I got off the phone my eyes were still watery and one of the higher ups who is new to our unit says, "what's going on".  She knows that I lost a son nearly 5 yrs ago, I told her I sold my house.  She says that's awesome, I said yes and no, no because that is where my baby lived, that was his home.  She said that is just a house, he is right there and pointed at my heart.  I said yes, but you just don't understand.  She said what, how long has it been now? I said 5 years.  I forgot how she worded it because I have never had anyone be so abrupt about having a child pass away, more or less I should have moved on by now.  I wanted to scream at her and tell her that if it was 30 yrs ago it will always feel like yesterday.  I really wish people would think before they speak sometimes.  I told her I will always grieve for my baby and that his room is untouched, I told her I have gone in there to try and pack it up and I break down.  I told her this move to Borden will be for the better and she said you will get closure. Some people have experience a death of a parent or sibling, but let me tell you, that the death of a child is a thousand times more painful.  It feels like someone has reached into your chest and ripped out your heart and then stomped all over it and then proceeded to punch you in the stomach and chest, then cut off the oxygen that you breath. 

Sunday was a hard day, I had to go through the garage and get the Christmas decorations out of there and organized for my ex's parents to come and get. I gave them everything that I bought the Boxing Day prior to Zachery passing away.  There were lots of decorations that were still in the boxes, because I just don't feel like celebrating Christmas anymore, and they would be a constant reminder. Zachery's daddy forgot them when we separated and I wanted to give them back to him because they are his, whether he likes or hates Christmas.  Thank goodness they are good people and are still good to me. So Sunday I packed everything up and came across decorations that were mine before I met him.  The whole passing of my son Zachery has so consumed me these last 5 yrs that I almost forgot the life I had before I was married and gave birth to him..  Losing a child affects EVERY aspect of your life.  

Another dream, another broken me.

Being on leave all week has let my mind wander of course.  I guess too, it being Halloween next weekend, thinking what costume Zachery would have wanted at almost 7 yrs old.  I still find it hard to hand out candy but have managed to do it the last 3 years, the first two, I was in bed.  I awoke this morning in such a rush, thinking Zachery was alive, again.  Being a grieving mother, it happens, bad dreams more so than the nice ones. But last night I dreampt about him and his Daddy.  Yes, his Daddy will be mentioned in this blog, because he is part of Zachery, whether I like him or not.  I think the dream was very short, because all I remember was Zachery running very fast towards his Daddy, and his Daddy being so surprised and happy to see him. He was about 6 or 7 years old this time. It is not often like I said to have nice dreams about Zachery, they are mostly nightmares of his death, over and over again.  I hate it.  It terrifies me.  For the first couple of years, I had no dreams at all about Zachery, I thought what is wrong with me?  I dream, and dream a lot.  And remember all of them. I can have 4 or 5 dreams in a night and wake up and remember them all.  But this one, was very vivid.  I have also noticed that the more I dream about Zachery, the older he is in the dream.  He still had his reddish hair, and it was getting kind of long on him, but he was running fast and giggling.  Maybe that is what he is doing up there in Heaven.

Facing the Music

Sooooo, I finally have contemplated that I am strong enough to finally blog about the last 8 or so years of my life on a chain. I have never blogged, and I will also say that some of the things you will read in this blog you may not like, or, you just won't get it, unless you have walked in my shoes. I do like to think out loud and by starting this blog, I might be able to compartmentalize the goings on in my life a bit better instead of them being constantly scattered. I won't tell you all about me right away, what fun would that be? I will say that I am the baby of the family and love it. I will also say that I have been in the military for the last 24 years, luckily, I have never been deployed. I never wanted to for fear of being away from my children, I have one living and one that is watching over me from above. Brandon and Zachery, the apples of my eye, my life my world.

Sometimes I wonder why I am in the military. I wish I could be the voice of children that have nothing or that are unloved. I would love to be able to open my door up to any or all of them, wrapping them up in my embrace. There is no love like a mother's love.

I will make my first post short and sweet, one, I want to see what it looks like and two, I need to rack out, long day tomorrow with Kim. Night all.