I haven't written lately because I have been super busy with work and life. So, I have been dreading this day. Dreading the day that the Army moved me away from this house in Caledonia, the house that I have been so emotionally attached to because this is where Zachery's home was. I got the call at work on Tuesday from Kim and she said the offer is no longer conditional they have sold so everything is firm and final. Your house is sold. I didn't know whether to smile or cry. I think I did a bit of both. But once I got off the phone my eyes were still watery and one of the higher ups who is new to our unit says, "what's going on". She knows that I lost a son nearly 5 yrs ago, I told her I sold my house. She says that's awesome, I said yes and no, no because that is where my baby lived, that was his home. She said that is just a house, he is right there and pointed at my heart. I said yes, but you just don't understand. She said what, how long has it been now? I said 5 years. I forgot how she worded it because I have never had anyone be so abrupt about having a child pass away, more or less I should have moved on by now. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that if it was 30 yrs ago it will always feel like yesterday. I really wish people would think before they speak sometimes. I told her I will always grieve for my baby and that his room is untouched, I told her I have gone in there to try and pack it up and I break down. I told her this move to Borden will be for the better and she said you will get closure. Some people have experience a death of a parent or sibling, but let me tell you, that the death of a child is a thousand times more painful. It feels like someone has reached into your chest and ripped out your heart and then stomped all over it and then proceeded to punch you in the stomach and chest, then cut off the oxygen that you breath.
Sunday was a hard day, I had to go through the garage and get the Christmas decorations out of there and organized for my ex's parents to come and get. I gave them everything that I bought the Boxing Day prior to Zachery passing away. There were lots of decorations that were still in the boxes, because I just don't feel like celebrating Christmas anymore, and they would be a constant reminder. Zachery's daddy forgot them when we separated and I wanted to give them back to him because they are his, whether he likes or hates Christmas. Thank goodness they are good people and are still good to me. So Sunday I packed everything up and came across decorations that were mine before I met him. The whole passing of my son Zachery has so consumed me these last 5 yrs that I almost forgot the life I had before I was married and gave birth to him.. Losing a child affects EVERY aspect of your life.
Surviving life without Zachery. In this photo it was 10 days before he passed away. I had no idea
i don't think there is such thing as "moving on" from the loss of your child, or "closure." These are just fancy terms people put onto a situation that they can't possibly understand. I am so sorry that this move is not by your choice. I didn't realize that when I posted on your more recent blog. :( I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI kind of know how you feel, though each of our stories are different. My hair dresser last month told me to stop being so depressing and that she is proud of me that I haven't entirely given up, but that she doesn't want to hear it. I was stunned. She demanded DEMANDED I smile for her. I wanted to walk out, but she was in the middle of putting foils in my hair. All I had done was said something like: "Samantha, my daughter would have liked that." I can't remember exactly my words, but it was something like that. She snapped at me. I couldn't believe it. To me, Sam is alive always in my heart. I HATE the thought of her being forgotten as a member of my family. To me, yes she is dead, but she is always my daughter. DISGUSTING! People in general are DISGUSTING To me. I find I have so much more hate in my heart and a lot less tolerance in general since her passing. *sigh* sorry for my rant, but your post just evoked so many feelings. I didn't mean to make it about me.
ReplyDelete