Surviving life without Zachery. In this photo it was 10 days before he passed away. I had no idea
Friday, October 22, 2010
Another dream, another broken me.
Being on leave all week has let my mind wander of course. I guess too, it being Halloween next weekend, thinking what costume Zachery would have wanted at almost 7 yrs old. I still find it hard to hand out candy but have managed to do it the last 3 years, the first two, I was in bed. I awoke this morning in such a rush, thinking Zachery was alive, again. Being a grieving mother, it happens, bad dreams more so than the nice ones. But last night I dreampt about him and his Daddy. Yes, his Daddy will be mentioned in this blog, because he is part of Zachery, whether I like him or not. I think the dream was very short, because all I remember was Zachery running very fast towards his Daddy, and his Daddy being so surprised and happy to see him. He was about 6 or 7 years old this time. It is not often like I said to have nice dreams about Zachery, they are mostly nightmares of his death, over and over again. I hate it. It terrifies me. For the first couple of years, I had no dreams at all about Zachery, I thought what is wrong with me? I dream, and dream a lot. And remember all of them. I can have 4 or 5 dreams in a night and wake up and remember them all. But this one, was very vivid. I have also noticed that the more I dream about Zachery, the older he is in the dream. He still had his reddish hair, and it was getting kind of long on him, but he was running fast and giggling. Maybe that is what he is doing up there in Heaven.
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My son Logan was stillborn in Jan 09 due to complications with Down Syndrome. I come by way of http://deadbabyclub.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI've never had a dream of Logan since he died. I had one about him dying while I was pregnant, but that was it (I've since come to think of it as a premonition, since the dream mimicked real life several months later). I used to be so sad about this. Feeling like I was missing out when so many other's were sharing sweet dreams of their babies. Now a days I feel relieved. It seems so cruel to dream of dead children. I have struggeled with having very morbid dreams about my living daughter, usually about loosing her or having her taken from me. Gee, I wonder how I feel about the death of Logan.. Anyhow, I know having a stillborn in no way compares to loosing a child who has lived, but I wanted you to know that I was here, that I read your story, and that I grieve with you. Zachery is a beautiful little boy. Here's to hoping your brain gives you some peace!